I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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