I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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