that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
