i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
