okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
