Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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