turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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