Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
