Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
