this beer tastes like vomit already
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
