This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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