I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
