I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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