the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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