Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
