Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
