took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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