Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
