sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
