who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
