I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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