i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
