If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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