So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize