Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize