I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
They took my balls.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
