Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
