dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
