Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
