I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
