Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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