i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
