Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
