I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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