I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
