Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
