Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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