I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
