I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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