I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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