sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
