We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
