im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's blow job season.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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