just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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