you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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