I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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