I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
