Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
