no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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