first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
