if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
