there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
