I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
