On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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