Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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