Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
