I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
