Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
